Sex is everywhere — in the movies we watch, books we read, and music we listen to — but when it comes to female pleasure, positive public perception isn’t quite there yet. According to sex and relationships expert Annette Gates, LMSW, MEd, CSSE, the almost-taboo topic of (physical) self-love has everything to do with societal beliefs that can only be perceived as sexist and antiquated.
“Universally, we are socialized in a shame-based puritan, religious culture where sex is tied to serving the man and only for marriage or procreation,” says Gates, citing one of the most common reasons women shy away from masturbation. “Anything outside of that is considered impure.”
Meet the Experts
Annette Gates, LMSW, MEd, CSSE, is a Relationship and Sexuality Oracle.
While it may feel foreign to the uninitiated, “self-lovemaking” is necessary for those looking to prioritize themselves and their needs, inside and out. “It’s ideal in getting to know yourself, what feels good, and how one experiences arousal and orgasm,” adds Gates. It’s not an action item you can cross off your to-do list after a session, however. “It takes time and practice to get to know your body,” she says. “But this time is well worth it to experience more pleasure with a partner.”
To support you in your journey, we rounded up a few products to keep in your pleasure chest, from a Sunday Riley-approved massage candle to a very discreet and effective vibrator.
Sunday Riley Massage Candle
Spice up a night in with Sunday Riley’s all-natural wax candle, which boasts warm, sweet notes of linden blossom, honey, vanilla, and sandalwood to help set the mood and engage all the senses.
Sensual Self Journal
“The number one recommended tool that is free is your breath,” says Gates. “Practice breathing deep and long to allow your body to receive new pleasurable sensations.” Then, put those inner-most, post-meditation thoughts and feelings to paper in this journal — and finally reconnect with yourself.
Dame Arousal Serum
A pH-balanced, 100% natural serum that delivers a warm tingle and heightened awareness within seconds of applying 1-2 pumps. It’s feel-good — silky-smooth to the touch, never greasy or sticky.
Let's F—ing Play Card Game
Specifically designed for solo play, this NSFW card game encourages self-exploration with every question in this deck. Featuring questions like, “What brings you the most physical pleasure?” LFP makes sure you come first. (Pun intended.) Plus, you’ll be doing some good with every purchase: 10% of proceeds go to The Sex Workers Outreach Project, a national grassroots social justice network dedicated to the fundamental human rights of sex workers.
Kyss Rechargeable Lipstick Vibrator
While recommending one product for every type of women isn’t realistic, Gates does “encourage a vibrator with multiple settings and different speeds.” This one in particular is a must-have for those new to self-love; it’s discreet (it’s shaped like a lipstick!), waterproof, easy to travel with, and features 10 different functions.
We only recommend products we have independently researched, tested, and loved. If you purchase a product found through our links, Sunday Edit may earn an affiliate commission.
