Outstanding “Game of Thrones” questions aside (who is Azor Ahai), there is one I personally ponder a lot. Besides the fact that Jon Snow probably smells really bad (have we ever seen him take a bath?), what would these characters’ skincare be like? Would Sansa be a fan of retinol? Would Arya even need skincare with her ability to, you know, swap faces?
While I think it is safe to say Daenerys isn’t exfoliating or using an antioxidant serum before plunging into battle, we can give some of the houses their own skincare product (starting with a cleanser — they all need a fresh base). For the Throne, and For Clear Skin.
*some spoilers ahead*
House Stark aka House Sunscreen
I always envision the Starks as our protectors. They will be here for us no matter what. And you know what else is a protector? SPF. Sunscreen. Sunblock. Hands down, the Starks get SPF — always needed and cause for trouble once it is gone. And yes, I KNOW they live in the North, but you need SPF even when it is cloudy. You need it every day, just like I need Rob Stark back on my TV screen everyday (RIP).
House Targaryen aka House Acids
Acids sound scarier that they are, like dragons, Dothraki and Daenerys. And while dragons can literally breathe fire to melt your face, here we are only using acids to exfoliate and slough away dead skin. Similar in theory, very different in practice. Sometimes underestimated, acids are the real star of your skincare routine (just remember what happens when you underestimate the Mother of Dragons).
House Greyjoy aka House Moisturizer
Moisturizers help return and lock in hydration to the face. And what better house to pair with this savior ingredient than House Greyjoy. While the characters aren’t always … great, the Greyjoy’s rule the Iron Islands. This makes them overly adept at handling water, especially a water cream.
House Lannister aka House Retinol
Like a Lannister, retinol can be harsh at first, but with time, your skin warms up to it. Take Jamie, for example. Season 1 was about as bad as it gets and now, we find ourselves rooting for him — someone who openly commits incest (talk about a character arch). And while other Lannisters (hey, Cersei) may be too harsh, at least a good retinol won’t blow you up. It will glow you up.
House Baratheon aka House Vitamin C
Where do we begin, with this house almost completely wiped off the face of GOT earth? As the sole illegitimate son left, Gendry has managed to escape execution. And while they might have once been a great house, there are a lot of marks to their name: Robert is the reason Ned Stark went to King’s Landing in the first place, Stannis burned his child at the stake, and Renly was killed by a shadow. With the scars evident, the Baratheons could use some vitamin C to help fade the scars — helping to fade hyperpigmentation is one of vitamin C’s top benefits.
House Tyrell aka House Facial Oils
Delicate and powerful: two words that describe the Tyrell women and facial oils. Known for their efficiency, oils — like Margaery and Olenna — get the job done. And being that the Highgarden house sigil is a rose, I think it is safe to say their face oil is rose oil. But don’t forget the thorns (they can be deadly). And that too much of a good thing, like an oil, can overwhelm you (and the face), just ask Margaery. Oh, wait.
House Martell aka House Eye Cream
YES, I HAD TO DO IT. And now I feel all of your disappointed gazes, but I stand by this. House Martell gets eye cream. Maybe it would have helped Oberyn, we will never know.
Bonus
White Walkers aka Cryofacials
No explanation needed.
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