It is easy to put off needing a new bed. It is a big expense, one easily deferred by necessities like incoming bills or wanting to splurge on brunch. And yet, for a place that you likely spend every night in, sidelining a mattress purchase happens a lot, even though we know beauty sleep is not only real but important. If any of these sounds like you, maybe it is time for you and your partner to go mattress shopping.
1. It is his old twin bed from college. Maybe you are holding on to an old frame and mattress out of sheer pragmatism. You already have a bed, why bother getting another one? That old, affordable college bed got you through some tough times, but it was not meant for both of you to cram into together every night. If one of you winds up sleeping on the couch most nights because it is more comfortable … get a new bed. Plus, who even knows what happened on that bed.
2. You are making way too much noise during sex. If your apartment neighbors have knocked on the wall (or more embarrassingly, knocked on your door to complain to your face), consider upgrading. Maybe look for a bed that does not sound like a robot is dying every time you are getting busy.
3. Honestly, you make way too much noise doing anything in that bed. Forget trying to have sex quietly. If you can’t get into bed without making a racket, there is a problem. Any bed that makes it impossible to sneak into without waking up your significant other is not a bed you want to keep around.
4. There is a noticeable gradient. Anything dropped in bed rolls towards the center, or just straight off the edge. It is like you are sleeping on a hill.
5. You can see the vague outline of your body in the mattress. This is not OK. And it is certainly not — despite what you may tell yourself — a “custom fit.”
6. You bought it before you got together, and your partner hates it. You love a soft mattress, but your partner wishes you were going to bed on one hard as a rock. Maybe it is the opposite. Either way, find something you can both get a good night’s sleep in. Your relationship will thank you.
7. It does not fit the room anymore. Maybe you picked up an old, wrought iron bed frame for cheap years ago, but now it does not fit with your modern decor. If it is old enough that it has gone through at least one home makeover, ditch it for something new.
8. Inexplicably, there is a lump somewhere in the mattress. You do not know when it showed up, what caused it or why. It is just there, as old and ancient as time itself.
9. You toss and turn and wake each other up in an endless cycle every night. You wake up, turn over, and send tremors across the mattress to your partner. Who then wakes up and … the whole thing is like a terrible, sleepless seesaw.
10. It is no longer white. It is this weird, yellow color now. And not like a bright, shiny sports car yellow. It is the kind of yellow nothing that comes in direct contact with your body should ever be colored.
11. You removed the tag. YOU FOOL! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? Do not worry, that rule only applies to mattress resellers. You are safe.
12. It is a waterbed. Please, get a real bed. Take stock of your life while you are at it. But first and foremost, get a bed that is not full of liquid.
13. You are constantly getting pushed off the edge. You have dreams where you are falling, and then suddenly wake up to realize you are actually falling off the bed and into your laundry basket. Maybe you thought your bed was big enough when you bought it, but now it is housing two of you. And your partner has a tendency to spread themselves out in their sleep.
14. You can’t even remember when you bought it. If it is so long ago that you can’t offer up an approximate, it is probably time for a mattress upgrade at the very least. Either that or you just have a really poor memory.
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